“Learning to enforce boundaries means learning to accept that others may not like your answer and being okay with them not liking it.” – Demi Dee, The Knockout Room.
For much of my adult life, especially since college and when it came to work, I always had a hard time saying “no”. I was so afraid of either letting someone down or that if I turned down something at my then corporate job, I would look like I wasn’t a “go-getter” or a “team player” and oftentimes found myself so overwhelmed and on the verge of a meltdown.
But as we come to learn, saying “no” isn’t mean, bad, or a lack of interest in an offer, it’s simply protecting ourselves from having that meltdown, burnout or conflict with your co-worker. It’s setting firm, respected boundaries without guilt.
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However, the question is why do most of us women have a hard time saying no? “Some women struggle to say “no” because of social, cultural and personal influences.” explains Demi Dee, registered health coach and visionary Founder and CEO of The Knockout Room®. “Across many cultures, girls are often subtly (or not so subtly) taught to be agreeable, accommodating, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. These qualities are praised and rewarded—while assertiveness or saying “no” may be labeled as “difficult,” “bossy,” or “unladylike.” In some cases, power dynamics—whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or social settings—can make saying “no” feel risky or uncomfortable” Dee continues.
But how? How do we lay down this foundation?
“A prerequisite to setting boundaries and enforcing them is the ability to recognize your needs, wants, and deal breakers.” Dee explains. “When you’ve identified a need – something that is non-negotiable for you – it becomes easier to stand your ground because you’re clear on what you need to feel mentally, physically, and/or emotionally safe.”
Here are some examples Dee shares:
Family Example:
Your sister asks to move in with you temporarily, and you’re not comfortable with it. “I really care about you and want to support you. Right now, I need to keep my home a quiet space. I’m happy to help you explore other options that feel right for you.” This shows compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Work Example:
Your manager wants you to stay late, and you’ve made other plans. “I understand this project is important. I’ve already committed to something for this evening, so I’ll focus on it first thing tomorrow to keep everything on track.” This communicates that you’re responsible, but also that your time matters.
Friend Example:
Your friend wants to vent for the fifth time this week, and you’re drained. “I really value our talks and want to be present when we catch up. I’m feeling a bit tapped out today, so let’s reconnect tomorrow when I can give you my full energy.” This protects your emotional energy without invalidating their experience.
“When you know that you are your number-one advocate, and that saying “no” in this instance to someone else means saying “yes” to yourself, it becomes easier to say “no”. You’re reframing the “no” in your mind as a positive action rather than a negative one” says Dee.
Ashley-Victoria Smith
Serial entrepreneur, celebrity publicist, published author, swimwear designer, and creative director. Currently resides in the Queen City with her two rescue fur babies indulging in coffee, a good book, and Marvel movies.
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