The Secret to Stronger Teams: Leading with Love

Can we use the “L word” in leadership? This question recently came up during a call with a leader who, while describing her leadership style, stopped mid-sentence after saying, “I love my team.” She paused, looked surprised, and then said, “Maybe I shouldn’t say that.”

Out of curiosity, I asked several other leaders for their thoughts on love and leadership. Their responses ranged from nervous shifting to “I’m not sure I want to go there” to huge smiles.

What makes love and leadership feel like such a radical concept? 

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Leadership is Love

Ken Blanchard, renowned author, business consultant, and leadership expert, and his son, Scott, identified six timeless principles that are essential to great leadership. These principles are fundamental truths about working with others that every leader should know and practice. Notably, one of these core principles is that “leadership is love.”

Let’s be clear – we are not talking about group hugs, holding hands and singing kumbaya, or the baby talk some think of when they hear the word love. To understand what it can look like to show leadership love, think about a leader who inspired and motivated you, brought out your best, eased your doubts, and made you feel safe. Love is an action so how did they show up for you?

Leadership love can look like:

• Telling others when they are doing a good job and how they are making a positive impact.
• Showing compassion when things don’t go well.
• Offering growth opportunities and taking time for coaching.
• Being willing to guide and mentor others. 
• Noticing and asking about personal touches like new photos in the workspace.
• Supporting an employee in leaving on time so they can attend a personal event.
• Celebrating milestones and achievements.
• Not playing the blame game and creating an environment where mistakes can happen.
• Showing courage and humility.
• Being willing to share necessary, even if difficult, feedback.

Love vs Fear

Many leaders share that they hesitate to fully commit to leading with love because they fear being perceived as “soft.” The key is to shift your mindset to an “and” approach: you can care about others AND hold them accountable. Leading with love is not a sign of weakness; in fact, it is an act of courage.

Basketball coaching legend John Wooden, who won a record 10 NCAA titles, considers love the “most powerful thing there is”. The power of love drove his coaching career, exclaiming, “your players must know that you care for them more than just as athletes. Certainly, they understand that they are there because of their athletic ability. But when you have them under your supervision, it’s up to you to make sure that they understand that you care for them as individuals. I’ve never had one I didn’t love.”

If you are not leading from love, are you leading from fear? When you operate from fear or greed, you get smaller. When you lead with love, your impact expands.

Choose Again

Our own thoughts can be a barrier to showing up the way we want. Something that can help is the “Choose Again Method” from Gabby Bernstein’s Super Attractor. It slows the momentum of negative thoughts and helps you shift your mood by choosing better-feeling thoughts. Anytime you’re feeling anxious, uncomfortable, scared, stressed, angry, disappointed, or frustrated … use this method to stop the spiral of negative thoughts.

The 3 basic steps of this method are:

1. Notice the Thought:Take a step back and acknowledge that your energy is out of alignment with joy. Ask, “How do I feel right now?” and identify the specific, fearful thought.
2. Forgive the Thought:Forgive yourself for being misaligned and for having the negative thought. Thank the thought for showing you what you don’twant, which helps clarify what you do want.
3. Choose Again:Consciously pick a better feeling thought. This is not about forced positivity but finding a thought that feels just slightly better.

Love Languages at Work

Motivation is personal. I often challenge leaders to be curious about what motivates the people they lead. Spoiler alert: it’s not always money. To get the best out of each person and make them feel valued, understand each person’s work love language. 

The article, How Leaders Can Use the 5 ‘Work Love Languages’ to Better Motivate Their Teams, is a great resource of how to bring the love languages to life. What are the work love languages?

• Words of Affirmation: Recognition and Praise – verbal and written acknowledgment that their work matters, they did it well, and you noticed.
• Acts of Service: Practical Support – make their work life easier by removing roadblocks, jumping in during crunch time, or taking things off their plate.
• Quality Time: Presence and Mentorship – focused one on one time, include them in brainstorming and strategy sessions, and listen to their ideas.
• Receiving Gifts: Opportunities and Resources – invest in their development by giving them resources towards their growth: courses, tools, conferences, stretch assignments, access to networks.
• Physical Touch: Respectful Human Connection – this is the one that can make leaders nervous if they don’t understand what it means. This love language is about feeling part of something – they want the team offsites but not the remote work, they enjoy traditions and going out after work or celebrating birthdays. They crave human connection.

I encourage you to take the time to identify each team member’s “love language” and be intentional in using that knowledge to drive performance and show genuine care.

Leadership Love Check-In

I also suggest periodically pausing to reflect on your leadership approach and adjusting where necessary. Consider the following:

• Are you empowering or micromanaging?
• Do you focus on strengths and potential rather than just flaws?
• Are you approachable, authentic, and vulnerable?
• How do you usually praise your team?
• In what ways do you offer help and support?
• How do you spend time with your team (1:1, group, or spontaneous)?
• Do you listen without interrupting?
• How do you ask for feedback?

Love can be a powerful asset to your leadership. In a world where we can choose to lead by love or lead by fear, I hope you choose love.

 

Debby Neely is a Professional Certified Coach through the International Coach Federation who specializes in leadership coaching and facilitation. Her business, Neely Coaching & Training, supports both formal and informal leaders in realizing their potential and in getting results. Their mission is to help you be the best you can be.