The Power of Emotional Intelligence, Kelly’s Story

Are you emotionally intelligent? Do you  know the power of emotional intelligence? I bet many of you would say yes. However, we don’t really know until we are put to the test. I recently met up with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. I remember spotting her in the coffeehouse and thinking how good she looked as I immediately asked how things had been and started updating her on my life. She was quiet and then leaned in and said, “I have breast cancer.”

 

This article is sponsored by Neely Coaching & Training

 

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A lesson I have learned over and over is that you never know what someone is going through. For Kelly, it was a diagnosis that came out of nowhere, a double mastectomy, and recently, reconstructive surgery. As she shared her story that day, I noticed that she was not showing up as a victim. She was empowered, focused on what she was learning, and moving forward with positivity and purpose.

Kelly has always been friendly and would share her life, but I still considered her a private person. That day, it was evident that she was willing to be courageous to help others learn how to be emotionally intelligent to get through challenging times like she is with her cancer journey.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

To know if you are emotionally intelligent, you need to understand what that means. The website Very Well Mind defines emotional intelligence (AKA EI or EQ) as “the ability to perceive, interpret, demonstrate, control, evaluate, and use emotions to communicate with and relate to others effectively and constructively. This ability to express and control emotions is essential, but so is the ability to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others. Some experts suggest that emotional intelligence is more important than IQ for success in life.” Most importantly, emotional intelligence is not fixed. It can be learned.

In my work with leaders, we often talk about EQ. Emotionally intelligent individuals are not only more effective leaders, but they are also better communicators, demonstrate more self-control, understand themselves better, and manage stress and conflict more effectively.

 

Being self-aware:

Understand your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses. We are never done learning about ourselves. Knowing these things can help manage change better. Being open to how we are perceived and reflecting on our experiences supports consistent growth.

Learn from Kelly:

Going through a serious and scary life event, like cancer, challenges every aspect of your being. I was a healthy, active woman going through everyday life when I got the dreadful news that I had breast cancer. Suddenly, I found myself consumed physically, mentally, and emotionally. As an introvert, I tend to internalize my thoughts and emotions. This journey gave me no other option than to look in the mirror of self-awareness and be vulnerable. I quickly learned that I had no control over my circumstances, but I could control the way I reacted to them. I chose to go against my natural pull to quietly withdraw and instead embraced where I was each step of the way. If I had a wave of emotions hit and needed to cry, I cried. When I needed support after surgery, I accepted it. When I had to have hard conversations, I was real and transparent. Cancer is overwhelming. Being aware of my capacity and allowing myself to be vulnerable helped me sustain the journey. And I actually found it freeing.

Recognizing emotions:

I have a friend who often asks me, “Are you feeling your feelings?” She knows that I tend to get in my head, overthink, and push my feelings down. Noticing how you are feeling helps you respond appropriately in different situations. This means you need to be tuned in to yourself enough to acknowledge your emotions. How often have you felt an uncomfortable emotion and tried to ignore it? Suppressing our emotions can make things worse.

This also means showing yourself grace, knowing that you are doing the best you can at the time, and not doubting yourself. One trick to help with this is to do an intentional heart and gut check to balance yourself with what’s going on in your head. Owning your emotions and taking action is how you get your power back.

Learn from Kelly:

I learned that to better manage a situation and feel more in control, I needed to lean into my strengths and recognize my weaknesses to create space for personal growth. I reflected on past experiences and asked myself how I handled them. Could I have done anything differently? What was the outcome and how did it make me feel? I asked for and was open to feedback from others on what they saw as my strengths and weaknesses. I took time to think about when I demonstrated either of those and how it impacted my energy and attitude.

Battling cancer, I felt incredibly stressed by the lack of control over the outcome of my situation, so I leaned on my strengths to manage what I could. This was my way of not letting my emotions take over and skew my ability to think rationally. As an analytical and logical thinker, I came prepared to each doctor’s appointment with a list of questions, gathered information and facts, and ensured there were clear next steps moving forward before leaving the office. Doing this gave me the strength to take back control and made me feel empowered.

Pause before reacting:

Take a moment to stop and think before acting on your emotions. This helps you respond in a healthy way, not impulsively. This doesn’t mean pushing your emotions down or “sucking it up” to hide your true feelings—it simply means waiting for the right time and place to express them.

The pause allows you to keep that inner critic at bay and engage in positive self-talk that helps you process your emotions and choose your response. It can also prompt you to ask yourself what is in your control instead of spinning your wheels trying to change things outside your control or influence.

Learn from Kelly:

Life happens, and sometimes throws unexpected things at us. The saying is right, “We can’t always choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond.” I need to process, so naturally for me, I pause before I respond or go into action. Focusing on gratitude and finding the lessons throughout my journey has driven how I have responded to it. While being transparent and real with my situation, I was also very aware of the impact it had on others. There was a constant balance of managing difficult emotions while giving myself grace to feel all the feelings.

Showing empathy:

Try to understand others’ feelings and perspectives. This builds trust and deepens your relationships. How often are we so consumed by our thoughts, feelings, to-do lists, or busyness of life that we miss the opportunity to show someone the smallest bit of empathy that could be the difference maker for them?

Learn from Kelly:

Months of appointments, tests, and procedures would have been even more difficult if I did not trust my team of doctors. What stood out to me was the time my doctors and medical staff took to show me empathy—giving me time to ask questions, a safe space to say how I was feeling, and telling me “it’s going to be okay” over and over again because they knew I needed to hear it.

Managing stress:

Stress can make it hard to focus, reduce your tolerance and patience, and impact your physical well-being. When you manage your stress, you can stay calm under pressure. This helps you think more clearly and make good choices.

Learn from Kelly:

Having breast cancer takes a toll on you physically and mentally. While the physical changes, especially in such a personal part of the body, are difficult, waiting for test results and treatment plans was way scarier for me. Finding ways to manage the stress kept me from falling completely apart. I found myself being more “present,” exploring my feelings, creating boundaries to protect my well-being, and leaning on humor. Can’t forget humor. My goal has been to not focus so much on the physical aspect of what I have gone through and instead, focus on my higher purpose. This enabled me to refocus and re-evaluate myself and what really matters. Let me introduce you to self-love. Self-love is meeting yourself where you are and feeling good about it. Self-love is something I wish people would value more. Turn the focus from self-image to self-love. I quickly found appreciation for the imperfect body I was given and have been grateful for each day of life that I am granted.

 

Motivating yourself:

You keep going, even when things are hard. The things that motivate you can change from things like fame, money, and recognition to more focused on inner needs and taking action. This helps you overcome setbacks, reach your goals, and be your own advocate

Learn from Kelly:

Going through cancer has changed my entire outlook. The blunt reality is life or death. That forces a person to look at things through a different lens. Before diagnosis, I was living my life, doing my job, and trying to be everything for everyone. Fortunately, I am now considered a cancer survivor, so life will pick up where it temporarily stalled, and I will move forward. Though my motivation looks a little different now. With all that I have been through, I now feel that I have a higher purpose. I want to focus on what it means to be the best version of myself. I want to be an example of strength and hope for other women and families going through this scary journey.

Building healthy relationships:

Get along well with others and collaborate to solve problems. Actions like listening, asking questions, making eye contact, and projecting positive body language become more important. This creates a positive environment for everyone. I have personally experienced the right people showing up at the right time during challenges in my life. It is important to surround yourself with people who encourage and support you. There is no time for negative relationships that drain energy.

Learn from Kelly:

Cultivate healthy relationships and build your tribe! My “tribe” is awesome, and I am so grateful. From family to friends to co-workers, they have shown up in so many ways. I had friends in the medical field whom I could ask questions, which gave me a sense of security; a husband who was by my side every step of the way, giving me the strength to push forward; friends and family that showed unconditional love and support; and a boss and co-workers who covered for me with no hesitation. The outpouring of love and support allowed me to focus on navigating my journey and healing. Circle your tribe, no matter how big or small, and allow them to be there for you. It makes a difference.

Our challenge to you.

Get your mammogram – October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. According to the American Cancer Society, breast cancer is the most common cancer in women in the United States, except for skin cancers. It accounts for about 30% (or 1 in 3) of all new female cancers each year. There is a 1 in 8 chance a woman will develop breast cancer.

Focus more energy on self-love and less on self-image – We are hard on ourselves. How can we make the switch? Don’t compare yourself to others. Accept a compliment. Acknowledge what makes you fabulous. Allow yourself to experience a wide range of emotions – both positive and negative – without judgment. Forgive yourself. Set boundaries that allow you to prioritize your basic needs. Live with purpose and align with your values.

Be aware of emotional intelligence – Go back and re-read this article while doing a self-assessment of how you are doing in each area of EI. Then make a commitment to one area you want to improve and one thing you are going to do (or stop doing) moving forward.

Kelly gets the last word.

Learn from Kelly:

To my fellow pink sisters and your “tribes” – I am with you. Our journey is difficult, but remember that we have the power over how we deal with it. The hardest part of my experience has been learning to let go of things I do not have control over and the fear of “what if.” What if test results are not in my favor, what if I make the wrong choice about treatment, what if something goes wrong in surgery, what if I have a recurrence? And then, I remind myself… What if it all works out just fine and I am exactly where I am meant to be?

Debby Neely is a Professional Certified Coach through the International Coach Federation who specializes in leadership coaching and facilitation. Her business, Neely Coaching & Training, supports both formal and informal leaders in realizing their potential and in getting results. Their mission is to help you be the best you can be.